4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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