I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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