Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
it's like heaven, but drunker
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
