I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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