For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
