He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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