I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
