I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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