I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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