i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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