he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
