Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
