Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
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I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
A bitchslap is in order.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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