dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
