I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i love accidental penises.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
