dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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