I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first