I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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