I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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