You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
