have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
