I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
