I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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