tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So many bounce houses so little time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
