I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
