im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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