the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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