Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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