it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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