How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
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Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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