Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Help. Why am I so naked?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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