well I can't set my house on fire every night
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
