i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
