My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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