dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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