I think I won the penis lottery.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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