wanna go halves on a baby?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
