THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
