god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
