By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
