apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
