The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
