I just threw up on my dentist
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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