I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
