Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
