found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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