I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
