If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
