My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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