If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
