that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
