I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
