If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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