btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
