recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize