Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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