you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
