I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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