She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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