There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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