I heard we made out
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
